Remembering Long Island vets who died by their own hand

Before their son’s death by suicide in 2014, Terry and Jim Martinelli said he seemed to be doing fine.

Anthony Martinelli, who was in the Army and was 32, lived in Texas but talked about wanting to move closer to his parents, who had health issues. And shortly before his death, he went shooting with a friend and had dinner.

“We had no idea that this was going to happen ... I could have had a million guesses, and I would have never guessed suicide," said Terry Martinelli, 71.

At a remembrance ceremony on Sunday that took place nearly 10 years after his death, the Martinelli family and another family were given the Suicide Awareness and Remembrance Flag, or SAR Flag, which honors veterans and active military members who died by suicide.

The military-style ceremony, held at the Heritage Center in Mount Sinai, also seeks to break the stigma around suicide and facilitate its prevention, organizers said.

In 2022, the number of U.S. service members who died by suicide was nearly 500, the Department of Defense said in a statement last year. The majority those deaths were among “young, enlisted men."

Among veterans, roughly 7,000 died by suicide in 2021, according to a 2023 report from the Department of Veterans Affairs. In New York, about 140 veterans died because of suicide in the same year.

Kevin Hertell, an Air Force veteran and creator of the SAR Flag, said many military members dealing with mental health issues don’t seek out help because they are trained “to downplay, dismiss, diminish and push through."

Hertell, who lives in Melville, decided to take on the issue after his own mental health struggles and the 2016 suicide death of his cousin who was also in the Air Force.

“You're told to just put your head down and shut up and get back to work," said Hertell. “And so, we want to break that. We want to let people know that it's OK not to be OK."

Chad Lennon, a Suffolk County Legislator who is a veteran and a major in the Marine Corps Reserve, said suicide among veterans is an “epidemic" that needs a layered approach.

Many veterans, he said, often have difficulties finding resources to deal with issues such as employment, housing, or legal assistance.

“Where do you go for resources? It's [often] word-of-mouth, and sometimes it's not correct," said Lennon, who said he’s working with the Suffolk County Veterans Services Agency to create a comprehensive list of services for veterans.

Part of addressing the issue of suicide is recognition, said Terry Martinelli, of Lindenhurst. “People don't want to talk about it," she said.

But talking with others is also what help her heal from her son’s death, which made it difficult for her to function for about a year, she said.

“You would think I was the only one that lost anything," said Martinelli, later noting “I didn't think about anyone."

The couple said that monthly meetings in a church auditorium with other people who had lost loved ones aided in their healing while they honored their son’s life.

“What we learned was that life still continued, and we were able to function," said Jim Martinelli, 81.