1963 Chevrolet Impala gets into the Christmas spirit

Dear Santa,

My owner has given you his Christmas list. Many of the items are things that he wants to bolt, screw, glue, rivet, press, and stick onto me.

I’m a 1963 Impala that he is restoring, and although I’m only 50 years old, I’m like 100 in people years. Which would probably make me about your age. Most of the cars that were born around the time I was are long gone. So I hope you’ll consider this when fulfilling his wish list.

The last few years I’ve been smoking out of the tailpipe. I was going to make an effort to quit, but he must like it because I heard him tell a friend “She’s been smoking lately so I’m going to get her “new rings.”

I’ve always wanted bling, so leave that on the list please.

But he can’t seem to make up his mind if he wants me to quit or not because the next item on his list is “Hardened seals to press into head to make her stop smoking.” I don’t know what this is and I don’t care what this is, but I don’t like it. First he buys me jewelry for smoking, and then he wants to press hard things into my head to make me stop smoking. My head is fine just the way it is, but if you feel it necessary to oblige him on this, at least please get soft seals, whatever they are.

A “Tissue dispenser” is on his list. I think this is a nice touch. Nothing fancy please. But if it’s not too much trouble, maybe you can find a tissue dispenser that matches the bling.

My rear end is sagging a little. Instead of getting me a nice new soft set of springs, he’s asked to have me “Slammed,” which according to him will “do away with the shocks.” I don’t even know what “slamming” is, but I know I didn’t do anything to deserve it. And for that matter – Why would he want to “shock” me? I can tell you for a fact that he hasn’t been very good this year. So perhaps if someone should get slammed or shocked, it should definitely be him.

New belts are also on the list. Please leave them there. Something in alligator or ostrich would be nice. But it might be best to check for size, because somewhere about half-way down his list he asked for a “Bigger rear end.” I also heard him say that I might not sag so much if he “Got rid of some of that junk in my trunk.” I wish he’d make up his mind between less “junk in my trunk” and a “bigger rear end.” Like he’s the one to talk. Maybe if he lost some of that padding in his seat, one of the items on his list wouldn’t be new “padding for her seat.”

A little farther down the list he asks for “A new top,” and then “A lift.” Needless to say, please cross both of these off of the list. If he’s not happy with me, he can go find a newer model.

Next on his list is a “New Muffler” and a “Ram Air Hood.” It’s nice that he is thinking about keeping me warm in the winter. But why buy me a muffler and a hood, and then “Ram Air” into it. Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? Considering my age, a simple wool muffler with a matching hood, perhaps one with some insulation would be more appropriate.
Finally, please forget the polyester car cover that he’s asked for. I’d prefer one of those nice soft cotton covers with the warm flannel lining. If he likes polyester so much, let him sleep in it.

So Santa, I’d be much obliged if you would take my requests into consideration when filling your sack with my owners gifts. After all, it shouldn’t be all about what he wants. He can sometimes be selfish. I, on the other hand, think only of him and others. In fact, if your travels should place you in our vicinity on Christmas Eve, as I assume they will, I would like to invite you come by for dinner. I heard him say we’d be having reindeer. I on the other hand, would have made a ham.

Sincerely,
1963 Chevy Impala