Local Chinese-American mothers react to 'Tiger Mother'
![Cindy Chen, 40, Old Bethpage, sits with her daughter Jillian,...](/_next/image?url=https%3A%2F%2Fcdn.newsday.com%2Fimage-service%2Fversion%2Fc%3ANGZlZDkxYjAtYTBlMS00%3AYjAtYTBlMS00ZWY4Y2U3%2Fcindy-chen.jpg%3Ff%3DLandscape%2B16%253A9%26w%3D770%26q%3D1&w=1920&q=80)
Cindy Chen, 40, Old Bethpage, sits with her daughter Jillian, 3. (Jan. 30, 2011) Credit: Bruce Gilbert
Amy Chua's new book, "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" (Penguin, $25.95), credits uber-rigid "Chinese parenting" as the reason so many Chinese-American children become math wizzes and musical prodigies - and her memoir has ignited a furor in the national media and among parents in their living rooms.
Chua's most extreme tactics included rejecting her two daughters' subpar homemade birthday cards, putting her 3-year-old outside in the freezing cold to break her will, and forcing hours at the piano without bathroom or food breaks. Here's what some Chinese moms on Long Island have to say about those passages and others in the book:
Michelle Hung, 42, a practice manager in an orthodontics office from New Hyde Park, was born in Taiwan to parents who are doctors. She came to the United States at age 1. She and her husband, David Balkcom, who isn't Chinese, have three boys: Julian, 11, who is in sixth grade at the Long Island School for the Gifted; Adrian, who is in third grade in the Great Neck School District; and Damian, 1:
"It's an elitist book . . . portraying all Chinese-American families to be a certain way. It's not so. You don't have to be that extreme. The piano playing was ridiculous. I would never do that."
Vivian Chen, a Plainview resident, is president of the gifted program in the Plainview-Old Bethpage School District, which her daughter, Celia, 11, who plays piano and cello, attends. Chen, who works at a law firm as a production coordinator, is married to Patrick Biggins, who is Irish:
"I'm tough, but not like that. Chua is pretty driven. You have to have more of a happy medium between that rigidness and being too laid back. My daughter is in drama, which is a no-no in Chua's book. Do I kill her if she gets a 90 instead of 100? No. But I do ask her what happened. . . . She knows she has to do well in school. I like to see A's, bottom line. That comes first. If she didn't do well, the extracurriculars would go away. But I think a kid needs a childhood, to reflect on good memories."
Cindy Chen, 42, a human resources director for Showtime who lives in Old Bethpage, has three girls: Emily, 9, Abby, 6, and Jillian, 3. The two older children take piano lessons and attend math and reading tutoring sessions twice a week at Kumon Learning Centers. She and her husband, Tom, require the girls to do worksheets each morning when they wake up that take about 15 minutes to complete:
"Rejecting her children's birthday cards? I don't think I would ever do that. But I had more sympathy for her after I read the book. I think it is a self-parody. And at the end, she did give in."
Laifong Chan, 54, of Great Neck, who works for Verizon, has one child with husband, Robert Fowler, who is not Chinese - their daughter, Jennifer, 15, took piano and violin lessons but quit both with Mom's OK:
"I think not all the kids can be a Tier One kid. As long as your children are doing their best, that's all you can ask for. My daughter did say, 'What's an Asian fail?' Less than 90. You don't have an A, that's an Asian fail." Adds Jennifer: "Normally, Asian kids get really upset when they get less than an A. Some know their parents are going to kill them."
Barbara Tjiong, 52, a Stony Brook resident, is director of the Plainview Chinese Cultural Center, which offers classes in Mandarin language and culture on Saturday mornings. She moved from China to the United States when she was 28; she has two children, ages 18 and 23:
"I think the longer you stay in the States, the more you adapt to the Western style, and it's hard to hold onto the traditional upbringing anymore. The first child, you try to hold onto it. The second child, you say, 'Forget about it.' Mostly parents want their kids to be able to feel comfortable in this society."
Where East and West don't meet
Child abuse or good parenting? Here's how Amy Chua supports her parenting methods, excerpted from "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother":
"The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable - even legally actionable - to Westerners . . . I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets . . . "First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-
esteem . . . Chinese parents aren't . . . Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything . . . the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud. Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences."
'Tiger mom' lessons
There are some concepts parents can take away from the "Battle Hymm of the Tiger Mother" without enforcing them so harshly. Here are 10 that Long Island experts say can be helpful:
1. Always check your test answers three times. "If the student has some time at the end, it's definitely a good idea to look over the answers one more time to make sure they are correct, and you didn't misinterpret or misunderstand anything," says Jonathan Macaluso, Commack School District director of guidance for grades K through 12. However, he warns against creating "test anxiety."
2. Look up words you don't know and memorize the definitions. "This is an especially good task to take on as you prepare in your junior year for SATs and ACTs," Macaluso says.
3. Play piano and/or violin and practice daily. "I don't believe the choice should be restricted to violin or piano," says Dale Lewis, executive director of the Usdan Center for the Creative and Performing Arts in Wheatley Heights. But he agrees every child should consider an instrument. "The study of an instrument provides focus, it provides opportunities for critical thinking. There are so many relationships between artistic success and academic success."
4. To get good at anything, you have to work. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist. "Kids will always resist things that are not easy for them," says Don Sinkfield, a mental health counselor in Valley Stream. "A parent does have to expect that resistance will exist and push things that are not popular. If the parent gives in, the child will simply not do it."
5. If something seems unfair at school, prove yourself by working twice as hard and being twice as good. Students should speak to their guidance counselor or teacher if they feel something unfair has occurred, suggests Macaluso. But he agrees students should use the opportunity to work harder and move forward.
6. Read to the children every night. "There is some research that will support that reading to your child, especially at an early age, is something that will help them be more successful down the road," Macaluso says. It also is an opportunity for parents to spend quality time with their children daily.
7. The goal as a parent is to prepare the child for the future, not to make them like you. "Yes," says Sinkfield. "But I also think parents should support and be a part of the things their children are part of and not have a military style. If there's balance, and the children get to do some things they enjoy, the disappointment will be temporary."
8. No matter what, you don't talk back to parents, teachers, elders. "It depends on how you do it," says Macaluso. If a student is respectful, it's OK to advocate for himself. But disrespectful talking back should be discouraged.
9. Nothing builds confidence more than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't. "The benefit is that the child actually discovers new things about herself that she wouldn't have discovered, and that raises self-esteem and possibly even intellectual ability," Sinkfield says.
10. Never not try something out of fear. Once they do the activity, they learn a tremendous amount and realize that it wasn't so scary after all, says Sinkfield.
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