Fast chat: Miss Piggy of 'The Muppets'

When "The Muppets" opens Wednesday it will reunite the old Jim Henson gang on the big screen for the first time in a dozen years and introduce a new generation (and their more mature fans) to the joys of digitally manipulated (as opposed to digital) heroes. The film features Jason Segel, Amy Adams, Fozzy, Kermit, Animal, Beaker and the curmudgeonly Statler and Waldorf. But there is little doubt (in her mind) that all eyes will be on a certain curvaceous paragon of porcine pulchritude, whom John Anderson conversed with recently, via several layers of virtual reality.

It's been 12 years since the last Muppets movie. Where you been? Vacationing in Aruba?

I adore Aruba! Do you have a place!? I'd love to visit! I'm already packed ... Let's go as soon as this interview is over, OK? And if you can't make it, that's OK too. I can entertain myself ... .

... Oh wait, you asked a question in there, too, didn't vous? What have I been doing for the past 12 years? I've been terribly busy. Not only did I write a book "The Diva Code" and make multiple award-winning appearances on such Internet sensations as "Muppets Bohemian Rhapsody" , but I've also been responsible for maintaining my position as a full-time 24/7/365 international world-class diva. You have no idea how time-consuming that is. (I have no idea either ... my people take care of it.)

When the new movie picks up, you're working as a plus-size editor at Paris Vogue. French sizes are smaller aren't they?

Oui, they are! That's why the "plus" size nom de couture is so misleading. What is "plus" in French would be considered junior petite in Hollywood. But I believe that style comes in all sizes. Ergo, the bigger you are, the more style you have!

From what we've been told, Jason Segel and Nicholas Stoller wrote the script for the new film so they could work with the Muppets. But it was really YOU they wanted, wasn't it?

Jason Segel and Nicholas Stoller wrote the script for "The Muppets"? Really? I had no idea there was a script. I usually just show up on set, the director yells "action" and the magic happens. But if they wrote a script, I'm very happy for them ... and I promise to read it someday. Anyone who'd go through the trouble of all that typing deserves to meet moi. I do remember Jason; tall guy, big goofy smile. And while I don't remember Nick Stoller, I'm sure he's tall and goofy, too.

In the new film, oil is discovered under the Muppet Theater, and oil baron Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) plans to raze it. Does somebody save your bacon?

Oh, I see what you did there! You made a little "bacon" joke at moi's expense. You got a death wish or something, buster?! Normally, at this point, I would storm out of the interview. But since you haven't printed it yet, I'd better stick around to make sure I can plug the movie a few more times.

As for saving moi's ... nevermind ... just say, saving it was a mutual effort. For more details, see moi's movie "The Muppets." In theaters everywhere this Thanksgiving.

Does a star of your magnitude really need co-stars?

Oh, you're trying to make up for that last question, aren't you? Good idea. You're a lot smarter than your headshot on Facebook.

The fact is, a star of moi's magnitude doesn't need co-stars ... or a plot ... or any of the usual trappings of most movies. But I do it all for Kermie. If he wants those things, then so be it ... as long as they throw in my expensive wardrobe, showstopping musical numbers, LOL comedy gags, overpriced catering and a star trailer with its own area code.

Are you a free-range pig?

Moi is not sure what that means. For your sake, I'll take it as a compliment. And the answer is "no." I'm not "free," and if you have to ask my "range," you can't afford moi.

Do you work out?

Actually, I have a personal trainer who works out for me. I pay, he sweats.

Is Kermit your soul mate, or have you moved on?

Yes, Kermie and moi are still soul mates. We are meant for each other. And while we are not "married" in the traditional, legal "I do" sense, we are bound to each other forever, till death do us part (I personally guarantee it).

That's not to say I don't flirt. If George or Brad or Javier, etc., are in town, we get together. But they are mere passing fancies. If they pass, I fancy 'em.