'Interceptor' review: As bad as bad can be

WHAT IT'S ABOUT The action movie "Interceptor" stars Elsa Pataky (Elena Neves in the "Fast & Furious" franchise) as U.S. Army Capt. JJ Collins, transferred to a rig in the Pacific Ocean that serves as the last line of American defense against a Russian missile attack.

The picture helpfully explains to us that in the event of a Russian nuclear launch aimed at the U.S. mainland, those on this remote base have exactly 12 minutes to trigger interceptors to neutralize the attack.

If they can't launch the interceptors in time, well, it's "say goodnight, Gracie," as George Burns would've said.

Wouldn't you know it, but exactly such an international crisis materializes right after Capt. Collins arrives on this comically thinly staffed base, where there seem to be approximately three or four other barely qualified people serving as our last line of defense.

To save cities from Los Angeles to New York and beyond from annihilation, Collins must fight back against a group of mercenaries who have snuck their way onto the base. They're led by a spoiled rich American named Alexander (Luke Bracey) who seems to have wandered onto the set straight from an Abercrombie & Fitch shoot.

If that sounds like a good time, the movie is streaming now on Netflix.

MY SAY "Today America dies in a paroxysm of fear." "We're the only thing standing between America and armageddon." "Our game theory expert is not convinced!"

These are not lines of dialogue from a "30 Rock" movie parody, or perhaps a bad improv sketch. They're real, verbatim snippets taken directly from the screenplay for "Interceptor." And they're only the ones this critic bothered to jot down. There's a lot more where that came from.

Amazingly, there's no evidence anyone involved in the picture recognizes how utterly ridiculous they are, that the only way to sell any writing like that is in the sort of unrestrained goofiness of '80s action from the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger or Chuck Norris.

Because the filmmakers and actors seem to be taking things seriously, "Interceptor" becomes something more than just your everyday mediocre, forgettable streaming shlock. It is a unique and special kind of bad. 

It's the sort of movie that makes you rub your eyes in disbelief.

The production values are impossibly cheap. It takes place on a set that resembles a science center display, or perhaps something constructed in a garage. 

Logical holes abound.

Military leaders, who spend the entire movie sitting around a boardroom table that seems to have been purchased at Bob's Discount Furniture but is supposed to be the Situation Room, somehow never managed to develop a failsafe for launching these interceptors from the Pentagon.

This top-secret base that's a critical last stand for our whole national security apparatus has a door that's not secure enough to withstand a blowtorch.

The list goes on and on and on.

BOTTOM LINE Please, please do not waste your time.