Asking the Clergy: A question about adultery

Who's worse - cheating spouse or unmarried partner?

Pastor Robert Gunn, United Church of Rockville Centre:

Jesus loved this kind of question, because no matter which answer you give, you can't win. But Jesus never let anyone off the hook. He always sought healing and called people to take responsibility for their lives. Deeper questions have to be asked: What happened in the marriage? Marital troubles are never one-sided. Did they seek help in communication? All love relationships form a system, based on conscious and subconscious expectations, that inevitably create friction and require deep communication to sort through. Before an affair happens, there already is trouble brewing for which both parties are responsible to communicate. If you have an affair, you are running away from the problem. That problem will inevitably pop up with any new partner.

The Rev. Larry Jennings, Bethel African Methodist Episcopal Church, Huntington:

Well, my first thought, according to the Bible, is that sin is sin in that it's a violation of God's laws - in this case, the Ten Commandments. So, the penalty of sin isn't doled out in measures. However, if I were to categorize it in response to the question, I would have to say that the cheating spouse's sin is worse because of a direct command from God with regard to marriage vows, "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder." It is wrong for anyone to engage in practices that are in violation of the laws of God and the land, and to do so is sinful and carries penalties. "If you follow my laws you will be blessed; if not you will be cursed."

The Rev. Peter Sulyok, Westhampton Presbyterian Church, Westhampton Beach:

A sin is a sin is a sin. And we all sin. In a world where grace is needed more than judgment, our challenge in personal relationships is to work things through. Promises and commitments are made to be honored in good times as well as hard. Neither the cheating spouse nor the one they're cheating with can be proud of their situation. If they were, they'd be out to dinner with best friends. But, chances are, instead they live "under cover." To work things through means being open, generous and respectful - qualities requiring faith, a trust in God to work through you to do the best thing. It means enacting God's justice in one's relationships, so that shared promises are respected.

Rabbi Art Vernon, Jewish Community Center of West Hempstead:

Marriage is more than a commitment of individuals to each other, it's the bedrock of community and society. The sanctity of the marital bond, and therefore intimate relations, is very circumscribed by Jewish law and tradition. That is why Jewish marriage is called kiddushin - sanctification - and why intimate relations outside marriage is strongly condemned. Each spouse is prohibited by the contract of the marital bond from engaging in relations with anyone other than their spouse. If a married person has intimate relations with an unmarried person, the unmarried person commits a forbidden act only if the person knows that their partner is married. Judaism does not condemn consensual premarital relationships between individuals who could potentially marry. Premarital relations, however, are strongly discouraged because it sets a bad precedent for the sanctity of the marital bond. If an unmarried person has relations with a person they know to be married, then such relations are forbidden because they know the partner is violating the sanctity of the marital bond and we are not permitted to encourage or assist another person in committing forbidden acts. In our world today, it is highly unlikely that anyone could be ignorant of the marital status of a sexual partner and, therefore, both the married and the unmarried person are considered sinners according to Jewish tradition and practice.

The Rev. Mavis E. Stephenson, Farmingdale, pastor Unity Temple of Christ, Laurelton:

In the Unity Church, we don't believe in the concept of sin. We believe in error thinking. We believe that people make mistakes, not that they sin. There is no big or little mistake. A mistake is a mistake. So, both parties are making a mistake. One is interfering in the other's life/relationship voluntarily. The other is accepting the interference. Each has a choice whether to do so. It is a choice that each is making to err. Each person also is making a mistake against him or herself. Both are missing the mark of perfection. The married person is making a mistake against his or her spouse by not honoring their sacred vows. The other person, knowingly entering into the relationship with someone who is married, is not honoring him or herself. If you didn't know the person was married, the moment you find out, you should immediately release the relationship.