Man looks to end estrangement with son

DEAR AMY: My grown son, 32, has chosen to not speak to me for the past five years. We live in the same town. He is a police officer and the oldest of four. His mother and I divorced when he was 15, and in the 15 years between the divorce and my subsequent remarriage, my behavior when several interim relationships failed was somewhat less than honorable (although never violent). He found out about my stalking behaviors and brief jailings, and eventually he told me to my face that he was never going to speak to me again. I am now married to a wonderful woman, and we have a successful, happy, fulfilling life. Those behaviors are now long behind me. I am close with my other children, but everybody (including my ex-wife) is uncomfortable whenever I ask about my oldest son. They refuse to do anything to help ameliorate this ugly situation. We have had to endure a family wedding and a single coerced Christmas together. Both incidents were uncomfortable; he is utterly unwilling to lower his guard, forgive, move on or respect the fact that I am his father. I have my own pride. Although I apologized once -- abjectly -- to him in a long phone message, he clearly did not accept that, and I am unwilling to prostrate myself any further. I am emotionally able to wipe him from my mind and memory, but somehow this does not feel completely right to me, as the father of the family. Advice?

-- Father-in-Loss

DEAR FATHER: Your son confronted you in person about the consequences of your volatile behavior of many years' duration. You apologized with a phone message.

You describe your son as judgmental and rigid. He might be more like you than you care to admit. All of your complaints rest on your feeling of primacy as the father of the family.

Drop your own guard and face this with compassion for the tough guy who might still be an angry boy at heart. You should reach out in a brave and personal way: "I'm so sorry for what I've put you through. Can you help me work things out?"