Are Arby's new sandwiches fast food's spiciest yet?

If you’ve longed for a world in which Arby’s sold its own vodka, I have some good news and bad news. Good: The sandwich chain began doing just that on its website in November. Bad: You long for a world in which Arby’s sells vodka. Worse: It’s all gone. The limited-edition spirit immediately sold out despite being French fry-flavored, available in both curly and crinkle-cut varieties — and yes, a seriously desperate bid for publicity. But if you were a 58-year-old fast food outlet known primarily for roast beef sandwiches and Horsey Sauce, how else would you get attention?

Well, by coming up with another here-today-gone-tomorrow gimmick, of course. Witness Arby’s two new menu items, which purport to be the spiciest sandwiches in all of fast food nation. Their names are Diablo smoked brisket and Diablo chicken, and we are informed that the company has left no spicy stone unturned. Both sandwiches come dressed with a slice of spicy cheese (ghost pepper jack) and spicy condiments (diced jalapeños, peppery barbecue sauce, two shakes of "fiery seasoning") on a hamburger bun that must be spicy too, otherwise why would it be bright red? And for a finalstunt, each comes with a free Arby’s vanilla shake, presumably to neutralize the capsaicin mother lode.

"Our research tells us that consumers are disappointed by fast food claims of spicy," reads the company’s news release. "We took that as a challenge." All the silliness turns out to be mere pretext for something truly serious, perhaps existentially so: shoring up Arby’s TikTok cred. Hence the sticker affixed to sandwich boxes imploring eaters to use a QR code and Take the Diablo Dare Challenge. ("Eat on camera. Try not to sip the shake.") A quick scan of America’s platform du jour reveals a heartwarming number of would-be influencers, each happily doing their best to ensure that Arby’s TikTok-baiting is a success, even if the videos exhibit a disturbing sameness. Most are seasoned veterans of TikTok challenges past, so they roll their eyes, smugly declare the heat to be rookie level, remind viewers to subscribe to their channels, and sign off.

I recently snagged a Diablo myself, taking a couple of big bites before I’d even returned to the car. This was a mistake, as someone had clearly seen me coming and doubled the heat.

Coughing, eyes watering, nostrils aflame, I lunged for my shake, stabbed it with a paper straw and sucked for dear life. Nothing. I employed furious, ever more Bissell-worthy suction in an effort to draw shake to lips but accomplished nothing more than a bent and destroyed straw. In my delirium it occurred to me, not for the first time, that humanity would ultimately need to decide which matters more, saving the planet or having thick shakes, because you can’t have both.

The heat having still not crested, I was ready to pour anything down my throat, French fry vodka included, and am not sure what might have happened if I hadn’t had the bright idea to repurpose the mangled straw and paint several coats of vanilla shake onto my tongue. Thankfully, the first bites were an anomaly, and I ended up grudgingly admitting that the Diablo brisket is — surprise — not half bad. The smoked meat is tasty and the price, $7.49 for a sandwich and shake, a veritable bargain in these inflationary times.

Your take-away: the Diablo Dare Challenge is both survivable and enjoyable. The Paper Straw Shake Challenge is neither.

Diablo brisket and Diablo chicken sandwiches, both with free shakes, are available at all Island Arby’s locations through Feb. 6. I paid $7.49, your price may vary. For info, visit arbys.com.

By Scott Vogel

scott.vogel@newsday.com

Newsday writer and restaurant critic Scott Vogel aims for a refreshing, gimlet-eyed take on the Long Island food scene, often while drinking a refreshing gimlet.