College counselors prep parents for kids' first year

As the C.W. Post Campus of Long Island University held its orientation Monday for the upcoming school year, a counselor in a packed auditorium shared tips about coping with separation anxiety and melancholy.

Colleges have traditionally tried to prepare teenagers for their first months of independence. But this counselor was talking to parents, not students.

Five years ago, Post started running the day-and-a-half workshops for parents getting ready to empty their nests. Every year, attendance increases. The session that started Monday and ends Tuesday attracted more than 200 parents. Hundreds more are expected at two identical orientations later this month.

"Brace yourself for an ongoing roller coaster of emotions," said Lynne Schwartz, associate director of student health and counseling on the Brookville campus. She urged parents to find ways to support their college-age children without micromanaging.

Such sessions are a trend at campuses across the country, which report that in the age of soccer moms and hockey dads, parents have a tough time letting go.

Now when e-mailing and texting are so pervasive, parents are extremely involved in the lives of their college students, said William Gustafson, the associate provost for student success. "We want parents to stay involved, but in a constructive way," he said.

At Hofstra, there's even an Office of Parent and Family Programs to ensure that parents feel welcome. Hofstra has been running in-depth parent orientation for four years. It includes a humorous presentation called "College is Not the 13th Grade," which features discussions about the emotions of saying goodbye.

Alan and Susan Kaufman of Forest Hills, who took their son Tyler to Post's student orientation Monday, laughed as they recalled going to The University at Albany in the 1970s. "We had a pay phone in the hall, and maybe we called home once a week," Alan said.

"Compared to our parents, we're a lot closer to our children," Susan said. She added that they've been trying to find a way to "draw the line" so that Tyler isn't smothered by parental attention.

The most dramatic part of Monday's session was a skit about a girl calling her parents to say she was overwhelmed and wanted to drop out. The mother told her to come home. The father said no, and prevailed.

The discussions resonated with Rocco and Patty Belfiore of Glen Cove, who are sending their only son, Daniel, to Post. "It's time for him to leave and fend for himself," Patty said. But she noted that if he needs anything, he will be just 15 minutes from home.

Tips for parents as their children make the transition to college:

Encourage students to solve problems on their own.

Let them face consequences for their actions instead of trying to make things better.

To tamp down homesickness, talk about what students are gaining rather than what they are missing.

Urge them to seek counseling if you detect signs of eating disorders or depression.

Avoid phrases such as, "We are taking biology." Your son or daughter is at college, not you.