Grieving over the loss of loved ones through the holidays: how to cope
Eryk McPherson, 19, of Brentwood, right, is shown in this family photo with his mother, Erika Woods, left, and his brother Evian Woods, center. Credit: Photo courtesy Erika Woods
Every year, Eryk McPherson delighted in lighting up his family's home for Christmas, stringing bulbs and decorating the tree with his mother. But this season, Erika Woods tackled the tradition alone, confronting the difficulty reality of a life absent her son.
Eryk was biking home from work in October when an alleged drugged driver struck him in Central Islip. The 19-year-old Brentwood resident succumbed to his injuries a day later.
"It's a lot," Woods said. "Everything in our life is different. I’m having a hard time with it, so I'm trying to keep it as normal as I can," the 46-year-old Brentwood mom said. The memory of Eryk is helping her carry through, she said. She knows he would want to keep the festivities alive for his 18-year-old brother Evian, who has autism.
For people like Woods who have suffered a recent or even long past death of a loved one, the holidays might magnify that loss, recasting that absence into the limelight. Memories may serve as bittersweet reminders of moments that will never again come to pass.
But there are ways to ease the pain of such loss during the holidays, health professionals say, including by sharing grief, creating new traditions, and memorializing your loved one. But working through grief is highly individualized and there is no right or wrong way to get through it, others stressed.
The man accused of hitting Eryk, David Alfaro, 21, on Wednesday pleaded not guilty to an indictment charging him with second-degree vehicular manslaughter, driving while ability impaired by drugs and driving in violation of license restrictions, according to a spokeswoman with the Suffolk County District Attorney.
Woods said she recognizes that no matter how the case plays out, it won't bring back her son. Her heartache is still raw and she is unsure whether she should do something special in honor of her son this year.
Dr. Liat Jarkon, director of the Center for Behavioral Health at New York Institute of Technology, said that especially for people who have experienced a recent death, it’s important to find support from family, friends, clergy or medical specialists.
Particularly around the holidays, bringing the memory of a loved one back into the festivities could become part of building new traditions and making the occasion more manageable, according to Jarkon and other mental health experts.
"You can memorialize the person, talk about them, and share stories of their joining you in past holidays, to make it more of a positive connection," Jarkon said.
"It is very sad and difficult, but the more you share what you're having, instead of holding it in, it becomes more of a shared grief, and therefore puts less pressure on you individually," Jarkon said.
For some, the despair could start ahead of the holidays, which in itself could be stressful due to financial pressures and other obligations.
"The anticipation of feeling the pain may start in September, so by the time we've hit the holidays, either we've been able to take those months and learn how to work with the pain or it's just very, very big now," said Commack-based psychologist Deena Abbe.
She said that it's OK to accept the feelings of sadness but not to dwell on them, which could exacerbate emotions which are often fleeting.
"Grief has no timeline," said Abbe, from Long Island Family Therapy. "The pain morphs. It becomes something different."
Teresa Grella, director of Counseling and Mental Health Professions Clinic at Hofstra University said to combat the loneliness that often accompanies grief, " it's important to kind of do the opposite of what your urge is. Reach out when you want to close in."
Guests and relatives should take cues from those who are grieving but sometimes just asking them what they need could open up a conversation.
Comfort may come in the form of giving back to the community or doing something as a tribute to that person, Grella said.
"It's important for people to acknowledge with the people they know that the holidays might be hard this year, or are hard for them, or we might have to do it differently," she said.
People experiencing prolonged sadness should contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for help.
Every year, Eryk McPherson delighted in lighting up his family's home for Christmas, stringing bulbs and decorating the tree with his mother. But this season, Erika Woods tackled the tradition alone, confronting the difficulty reality of a life absent her son.
Eryk was biking home from work in October when an alleged drugged driver struck him in Central Islip. The 19-year-old Brentwood resident succumbed to his injuries a day later.
"It's a lot," Woods said. "Everything in our life is different. I’m having a hard time with it, so I'm trying to keep it as normal as I can," the 46-year-old Brentwood mom said. The memory of Eryk is helping her carry through, she said. She knows he would want to keep the festivities alive for his 18-year-old brother Evian, who has autism.
For people like Woods who have suffered a recent or even long past death of a loved one, the holidays might magnify that loss, recasting that absence into the limelight. Memories may serve as bittersweet reminders of moments that will never again come to pass.
WHAT NEWSDAY FOUND
- Coping with the death of a loved one can be especially challenging during the holidays, but experts said there are ways to cope.
- Creating new traditions, like adding a tribute to your loved one, could help make the holiday more meaningful.
- It’s also important to share your feelings and seek support from friends, mental health experts say.
But there are ways to ease the pain of such loss during the holidays, health professionals say, including by sharing grief, creating new traditions, and memorializing your loved one. But working through grief is highly individualized and there is no right or wrong way to get through it, others stressed.
The man accused of hitting Eryk, David Alfaro, 21, on Wednesday pleaded not guilty to an indictment charging him with second-degree vehicular manslaughter, driving while ability impaired by drugs and driving in violation of license restrictions, according to a spokeswoman with the Suffolk County District Attorney.
Woods said she recognizes that no matter how the case plays out, it won't bring back her son. Her heartache is still raw and she is unsure whether she should do something special in honor of her son this year.
Eryk McPherson, 19, of Brentwood, who died in October after he was struck by an accused impaired driver in Central Islip, is shown in this family photo. Credit: Photo courtesy Erika Woods
Dr. Liat Jarkon, director of the Center for Behavioral Health at New York Institute of Technology, said that especially for people who have experienced a recent death, it’s important to find support from family, friends, clergy or medical specialists.
Particularly around the holidays, bringing the memory of a loved one back into the festivities could become part of building new traditions and making the occasion more manageable, according to Jarkon and other mental health experts.
"You can memorialize the person, talk about them, and share stories of their joining you in past holidays, to make it more of a positive connection," Jarkon said.
"It is very sad and difficult, but the more you share what you're having, instead of holding it in, it becomes more of a shared grief, and therefore puts less pressure on you individually," Jarkon said.
For some, the despair could start ahead of the holidays, which in itself could be stressful due to financial pressures and other obligations.
"The anticipation of feeling the pain may start in September, so by the time we've hit the holidays, either we've been able to take those months and learn how to work with the pain or it's just very, very big now," said Commack-based psychologist Deena Abbe.
She said that it's OK to accept the feelings of sadness but not to dwell on them, which could exacerbate emotions which are often fleeting.
"Grief has no timeline," said Abbe, from Long Island Family Therapy. "The pain morphs. It becomes something different."
Teresa Grella, director of Counseling and Mental Health Professions Clinic at Hofstra University said to combat the loneliness that often accompanies grief, " it's important to kind of do the opposite of what your urge is. Reach out when you want to close in."
Guests and relatives should take cues from those who are grieving but sometimes just asking them what they need could open up a conversation.
Comfort may come in the form of giving back to the community or doing something as a tribute to that person, Grella said.
"It's important for people to acknowledge with the people they know that the holidays might be hard this year, or are hard for them, or we might have to do it differently," she said.
People experiencing prolonged sadness should contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for help.
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