Too many Valentines for this 'Day'

Romantic comedies often feel like a Hallmark card, but "Valentine's Day," with approximately 10 story lines stretched over nearly two hours, feels like a card that's been stapled to 30 extra pages of verse. Try as you might, you can't turn them any faster.

Set in Los Angeles, a sprawling city still insisting that it's closely interconnected (see "Crash," "Magnolia" and "Crossing Over," for starters), "Valentine's Day" features 21 major characters played by stars of varying wattage. That means director Garry Marshall and writer Katherine Fugate must give everyone something to do, no matter how perfunctory, peripheral or pointless.

The main narrative: It's Feb. 14, and florist Ashton Kutcher has proposed to Jessica Alba, though he clearly loves his friend Jennifer Garner. Alas, she's dating a doctor (Patrick Dempsey, shockingly). Sportscaster Jamie Foxx meets publicist Jessica Biel, who handles footballer Eric Dane. One teen couple (Emma Roberts and Carter Jenkins) is considering first-time sex, while another (singer Taylor Swift and "Twilight" hunk Taylor Lautner) is just here to sell tickets.

The afterthoughts: two token seniors (Shirley MacLaine and Hector Elizondo), a heartsick fifth-grader (Bryce Robinson), Julia Roberts as a soldier flying home and Bradley Cooper in the adjoining seat. Queen Latifah plays the imperious employer of Anne Hathaway as if "The Devil Wears Prada" never existed. George Lopez delivers some Ricky Ricardo español.

The only actress who truly floats in this tepid vat of fondue is Hathaway, quite funny as a moonlighting phone-sex girl. Otherwise, this may be the longest Valentine's Day you'll ever spend.