Items you won't see at 'Amityville Horror' moving sale

The sign said no children, cell phones or cameras were allowed at this weekend's moving sale at the most infamous house in Amityville.

And no wonder.

For decades, the village has been trying to separate its friendly Amityville from unfriendly, unwanted Horror. There are still residents who remember the house with more sadness than curiosity because neighbors, members of the DeFeo family, were killed there.

That probably mattered little to fans - of the book and the movie, which spawned still more books and movies - who were among the hundreds of people who Saturday visited the house (which went into contract earlier this month), if only for boasting rights.

But there's no need. Because the items for sale include everything from a small boat and side tables to a bed and a rack of tools, possessions - note: not possessed - that any suburban family lucky enough to live near the water might have.

It's simple stuff. Regular stuff. Really.

But for the stubborn, who put more stock into Amityville, the cult favorite, than Amityville, the village with a cute downtown band shell, here's what's NOT - never was, and never will be, according to locals and paranormal skeptics - for sale:

1 Pigs. Big, small, flying, red-eyed, creepy or otherwise. Forget Jodie, the demonic pig who supposedly haunted the place. There's a better chance of finding Porky, Arnold or Babe in that or any other suburban house that has cable.

2 Swarms of flies. It's a house, Jim, not a landfill. (Sorry for the steal from another venerable franchise, Star Trek.)

3 Great, green globs of keyhole piercing goo, which in at least one account defied gravity by marching up and covering a set of cellar stairs. Please. If that really existed, somebody would have made a fortune by now dyeing and thinning it. And then selling the concoction to the rest of us - as floor-to-ceiling, self-painting paint.

4 Marching bands. The beautiful Dutch colonial is big. But it's not THAT big. Besides, how could anyone hear a demon snarling, "Get ooooout!" with the supposed tubas of a German marching band blaring in the background.

5 A Chinese lion. Someone, supposedly, had a bad trip over the aforementioned ornament, stood up and discovered bite marks on his ankle. Wow. That would be like having a guard dog and house cat all in one. No feeding. No fleas. No plastic bags. Or kitty litter. But it doesn't exist either, alas.

Oh, the horror, the horror.