Thanksgiving dinner: How to navigate political discussions
Anne Marie Andolina, 69, shown at Penn Station Tuesday, boycotts Thanksgiving dinners if there’s potential for political arguments. Credit: Ed Quinn
Retired NYPD cop Terrance Ryan of Centereach has been warned in advance by both his wife and daughter of the family’s Thanksgiving dinner Thursday in Miller Place.
“I was given strict orders. No conversations about politics whatsoever,” said Ryan, 75, particularly with his daughter’s husband, an avid Fox News watcher.
“Her husband, I guess, he’s a Trump guy. I’m not,” Ryan said. If politics is discussed, he added, “that’ll put the kibosh on everything.”
Thanksgiving Day is a time for family and reunions — and the potential for arguments over politics among guests who just don’t, can’t or won’t see eye to eye. This year, with a presidential election looming and war in the Middle East, there is potential for political loggerheads at home.
A poll released Monday by Quinnipiac University found six in 10 voters agree that they’d rather not talk about politics during Thanksgiving with family or friends. About 29% said they’re looking forward to political discussions.
Veteran negotiator William Ury, author of the forthcoming book “Possible: How We Survive [and Thrive] in an Age of Conflict,” suggests foregoing a heated political discussion if it can’t be civil, or perhaps adjourning for a one-on-one conversation later to avoid riling up the entire gathering.
Wherever a discussion is happening, actually listening — rather than scoring points — is key, he said. And if the temperature heats up, it’s best to remember what’s really important — family, not debate.
“What’s really important here? Is it to have a good family Thanksgiving? Or is it to get into a right-versus-wrong argument that will not go anywhere?” Ury said.
Consider establishing ground rules — even a rule of no politics at the dinner table. Discuss politics elsewhere. If someone is calling you names, “Don’t take the bait” and instead ask the person: “What makes you say that? Where is that coming from?
“Meet animosity with curiosity,” Ury added.
For particularly heated topics, acknowledge common ground, such as how a topic can be painful or emotional.
Sebastien Andre, 27, of Valley Stream, an executive assistant in the food and beverage industry, said his family of more than 40 doesn't eschew politics but makes sure to respect each other’s ideas and feelings and not let things get confrontational. Discussions, he said, are “in good love and good fun.”
“We do get loud, and we do get aggressive at times, but it doesn’t get to a point where we’re fighting each other,” said Andre, who will be going to his cousin’s house in East Islip.
“We can go through our little spits and spats, especially with the elections coming up” — but the family remains ultimately harmonious.
“We’re blessed to have different opinions and different ideas that we’re able to discuss at the dinner table where it doesn’t become combative, but more so we’re expressing how we feel,” Andre said.
If a family can set up boundaries in advance, there might be more leeway to discuss a contentious issue, said Edwin Salguero, who worked as a mediator at the Loyola Center for Conflict Resolution.
One rule might be to avoid certain topics that can’t be discussed without things getting heated. Perhaps, he said, a matriarch, patriarch or the host can be charged with enforcing ground rules.
Eileen McDonald, 62, a nurse who lives in Long Beach, finds herself at a family table divided among Democrats and Republicans. The family tries to stay jovial and lighthearted and respectful.
“We’re open-minded people, so we listen to each other’s opinions without getting to the knives,” said McDonald, who described herself as “a tad more liberal.” She added: “We stop before it gets too contentious — usually.”
She added: “It could get ugly. But we try not to get ugly. 'Cause we’re all we got, right?”
Her advice? “Get all the politics out before the drinking starts,” she said.
Rabbi Levi Gurkov, leader of the Oceanside Chabad, said the issue of dealing with politics at the family dinner is a perennial question he’s asked — and he advises against tackling divisive topics if it’s going to lead to a pointless, bitter argument.
“There will always be differences of opinion in any subject. Why are those the subjects we’re going to speak about when we’re trying to be thankful?” he said, adding: “Convincing me, or me convincing another person, is not really gonna happen, so why bother?”
Instead of a topic that will divide guests, he said, focus on what everyone has in common.
Anne Marie Andolina, 69, of Flushing, Queens, who worked for the state health department in Hauppauge, Mineola, Westbury and Hempstead, boycotts Thanksgiving dinners if there’s potential for political arguments, particularly with conservative interlocutors.
She’s diplomatic in sending her regrets — "I had other plans," she’ll say.
“It just wouldn’t be a pleasant endeavor, I don’t think, to go there for dinner if you’re gonna sit there and argue … They trigger me,” she said. “They know that I will rise to the occasion. And, so, therefore, I’ll stay away, and then we don’t have to get into it.”
Electrician Al Bottari of Westbury said he has no problem discussing politics — because his conservative family members all agree.
After cooking a turkey meal for seven, he said, politics will invariably come up Thursday — the economy, the border, Ukraine — on top of discussions about family matters.
“We’re all on the same side,” he said. “No disagreement at all.”
Retired NYPD cop Terrance Ryan of Centereach has been warned in advance by both his wife and daughter of the family’s Thanksgiving dinner Thursday in Miller Place.
“I was given strict orders. No conversations about politics whatsoever,” said Ryan, 75, particularly with his daughter’s husband, an avid Fox News watcher.
“Her husband, I guess, he’s a Trump guy. I’m not,” Ryan said. If politics is discussed, he added, “that’ll put the kibosh on everything.”
Thanksgiving Day is a time for family and reunions — and the potential for arguments over politics among guests who just don’t, can’t or won’t see eye to eye. This year, with a presidential election looming and war in the Middle East, there is potential for political loggerheads at home.
WHAT TO KNOW
- A recent poll found that six in 10 voters agree they’d rather not talk about politics during Thanksgiving with family or friends.
- Among the suggestions for keeping the peace: Set ground rules for a gathering, empower someone to enforce them, and avoid bitter arguments.
- If you want to discuss a hot topic, consider a one-on-one conversation rather than doing it at the dinner table.
A poll released Monday by Quinnipiac University found six in 10 voters agree that they’d rather not talk about politics during Thanksgiving with family or friends. About 29% said they’re looking forward to political discussions.
Veteran negotiator William Ury, author of the forthcoming book “Possible: How We Survive [and Thrive] in an Age of Conflict,” suggests foregoing a heated political discussion if it can’t be civil, or perhaps adjourning for a one-on-one conversation later to avoid riling up the entire gathering.
Wherever a discussion is happening, actually listening — rather than scoring points — is key, he said. And if the temperature heats up, it’s best to remember what’s really important — family, not debate.
“What’s really important here? Is it to have a good family Thanksgiving? Or is it to get into a right-versus-wrong argument that will not go anywhere?” Ury said.
Consider establishing ground rules — even a rule of no politics at the dinner table. Discuss politics elsewhere. If someone is calling you names, “Don’t take the bait” and instead ask the person: “What makes you say that? Where is that coming from?
“Meet animosity with curiosity,” Ury added.
For particularly heated topics, acknowledge common ground, such as how a topic can be painful or emotional.
Sebastien Andre, 27, of Valley Stream, an executive assistant in the food and beverage industry, said his family of more than 40 doesn't eschew politics but makes sure to respect each other’s ideas and feelings and not let things get confrontational. Discussions, he said, are “in good love and good fun.”
Sebastien Andre said his family doesn't eschew politics. Credit: Ed Quinn
“We do get loud, and we do get aggressive at times, but it doesn’t get to a point where we’re fighting each other,” said Andre, who will be going to his cousin’s house in East Islip.
“We can go through our little spits and spats, especially with the elections coming up” — but the family remains ultimately harmonious.
“We’re blessed to have different opinions and different ideas that we’re able to discuss at the dinner table where it doesn’t become combative, but more so we’re expressing how we feel,” Andre said.
If a family can set up boundaries in advance, there might be more leeway to discuss a contentious issue, said Edwin Salguero, who worked as a mediator at the Loyola Center for Conflict Resolution.
One rule might be to avoid certain topics that can’t be discussed without things getting heated. Perhaps, he said, a matriarch, patriarch or the host can be charged with enforcing ground rules.
Eileen McDonald, 62, a nurse who lives in Long Beach, finds herself at a family table divided among Democrats and Republicans. The family tries to stay jovial and lighthearted and respectful.
“We’re open-minded people, so we listen to each other’s opinions without getting to the knives,” said McDonald, who described herself as “a tad more liberal.” She added: “We stop before it gets too contentious — usually.”
“We stop before it gets too contentious — usually,” said Long Beach resident Eileen McDonald, shown at Penn Station on Tuesday. Credit: Ed Quinn
She added: “It could get ugly. But we try not to get ugly. 'Cause we’re all we got, right?”
Her advice? “Get all the politics out before the drinking starts,” she said.
Rabbi Levi Gurkov, leader of the Oceanside Chabad, said the issue of dealing with politics at the family dinner is a perennial question he’s asked — and he advises against tackling divisive topics if it’s going to lead to a pointless, bitter argument.
“There will always be differences of opinion in any subject. Why are those the subjects we’re going to speak about when we’re trying to be thankful?” he said, adding: “Convincing me, or me convincing another person, is not really gonna happen, so why bother?”
Instead of a topic that will divide guests, he said, focus on what everyone has in common.
Anne Marie Andolina, 69, of Flushing, Queens, who worked for the state health department in Hauppauge, Mineola, Westbury and Hempstead, boycotts Thanksgiving dinners if there’s potential for political arguments, particularly with conservative interlocutors.
She’s diplomatic in sending her regrets — "I had other plans," she’ll say.
“It just wouldn’t be a pleasant endeavor, I don’t think, to go there for dinner if you’re gonna sit there and argue … They trigger me,” she said. “They know that I will rise to the occasion. And, so, therefore, I’ll stay away, and then we don’t have to get into it.”
Electrician Al Bottari of Westbury said he has no problem discussing politics — because his conservative family members all agree.
After cooking a turkey meal for seven, he said, politics will invariably come up Thursday — the economy, the border, Ukraine — on top of discussions about family matters.
“We’re all on the same side,” he said. “No disagreement at all.”
Matthew Chayes, a Newsday reporter since 2007, covers New York City.
