Roslyn, Jericho High students start HERO Project grief support group for teens

Last year, Long Island teens Charlie Dubofsky and Sydney Hassenbein bonded over an unimaginable loss: the death of a family member.

In February 2023, Dubofsky’s father, Ned, died in a car crash. Then in May, Hassenbein’s 14-year-old brother, Drew, an elite tennis player, was one of two Roslyn teens killed when an alleged drunken driver crashed his pickup truck into the car they were riding in. Also killed was Ethan Falkowitz, another young tennis player. Their deaths sent shock waves through the Roslyn community and worldwide, with condolences pouring in from competitors as far away as Poland and Ukraine.

After Drew’s death, Dubofsky, 16, who attends Jericho High School, said she reached out to Hassenbein to offer her support. The two connected over their shared grief.

“It’s nice to talk to a teenager, and when I reached out to Sydney, I understood how she felt because it’s very comforting to talk to someone close to my age after going through something this devastating and tragic,” Dubofsky said.

Now, at perhaps the darkest time in their young lives, Dubofsky and Hassenbein have found an opportunity to be a light for other teenagers who have also lost a parent or sibling.

THE HERO PROJECT

Earlier this year, the two girls created the HERO Project, a “for teens, by teens” support group for middle and high school students who have experienced the death of a family member or friend. Once a month, the group meets at Sid Jacobson Jewish Community Center in East Hills, offering what the girls hope is a place where their peers can express and learn to better understand their feelings and how to navigate loss.

“We wanted something local for people to come to,” Hassenbein, 16, said. “We also don’t want it to feel like your typical support group. We wanted it to feel like more of a safe and open space where you could talk.”

GRIEF’S SIDE EFFECTS

According to a 2023 report by Judi’s House/JAG Institute, which offers support to grieving families and children, one in 12 children in the United States will experience the death of a sibling or parent by the age of 18.

“Childhood bereavement is a critical issue and an increasingly important national priority,” the report, created in partnership with New York Life Foundation, states. “The death of a parent, sibling or other important person in a child’s life is one of the most frequently reported disruptive childhood experiences and without appropriate support can lead to adverse health and welfare outcomes.”

Those negative outcomes can include poor academic performance and mental health issues, the report said.

“I’m so grateful because I have a very supportive family and a ton of friends, so I have a great support system,” said Dubofsky. “I also have a therapist, but I know a lot of people don’t have that.”

Paul Rubin, founder and executive director of Camp Good Mourning!, which offers children’s bereavement camps on Long Island, said that kids who don’t have a way of expressing their feelings run the risk of turning to unhealthy coping strategies. Programs like Camp Good Mourning! and the HERO Project help children who have lost a loved one build connections they can only make with other kids who have had the same experience, he said.

“The fact that Charlie and Sydney are having group meetings is wonderful because kids and teenagers don’t generally have an outlet for this,” said Rubin, 62, of Dix Hills. “It’s great if kids are going to therapy. That’s one type of support, but kids will relate better to other kids.”  

PROFESSIONAL OVERSIGHT

As they navigated their grief together, the girls discovered there were few local options for young people coping with loss.

“We realized there were not that many teen bereavement groups,” Dubofsky said. “After a couple of months, I proposed the idea of creating something to help people.”

What they came up with was the HERO Project. The acronym stands for “Honor their heroes, Empathize with others, Remember special times shared and live Onward for their heroes.”

Amanda Foglietta, director of Sid Jacobson JCC’s Sandler Family Kehilla Center, said she and her colleagues immediately recognized the significance of the initiative.

“When Charlie and Sydney approached us with the Hero Project, we knew we had to jump on it,” she said. “There is nothing out there like this. It’s a really specific model that is well thought out.”

Foglietta, 31, a licensed clinical social worker who lives on the South Shore, meets with Dubofsky and Hassenbein to review their materials before the group arrives. But the girls mostly run the meetings independently, guiding participants in discussions, group exercises and songs.

“I think the teens who have been showing up appreciate the program’s comfortability, and I think they really look up to Sydney and Charlie,” Foglietta said. “Some of them say they have their own therapist but really wanted a way of talking to other teens.”  

INSTAGRAM AND BEYOND

To bring people together for their first group meeting in January, the duo said they combined word-of-mouth networking with social media outreach, including utilizing accounts for the Drew Hassenbein Foundation, a nonprofit that the family started to introduce low-income kids to tennis, sponsor elite juniors and help aspiring pros.

“The group we want to reach are teenagers. Obviously, we’re all on social media, so we went right to Instagram,” Hassenbein said. “We also reached out to our school guidance counselors and asked them to invite anyone that they knew of who was grieving.”

So far, the group has met three times. At a meeting in March, 15 teens snacked on bagels and minimuffins as Dubofsky and Hassenbein led conversations and exercises focused on the healing process.

They got the meeting started by talking about the difference between “moving on” and “moving forward” as it relates to grieving.

“When you lose someone, you don’t want to move on from that because you want to remember the good times,” Hassenbein said. “Moving on almost sounds negative; the goal is to ‘move forward’ while holding onto those memories.”

Dubofsky, speaking before the group, asked, “Is grief getting in the way of you reaching your goals? Grieving the loss of a loved one or a close friend can be actively preventing us sometimes.”  

REMEMBERING GOOD TIMES

During a writing exercise, participants were given the opportunity to share a cherished memory of someone they had lost. Dubofsky remembered her father’s passion for boating, while Hassenbein recalled a funny instance when Drew gave her a tennis lesson.

At about the midway point of the meeting, the fire alarm at Sid Jacobson JCC went off, forcing all programming to a halt and those visiting the building to head to the exits in an orderly fashion.

Once everyone was safely back inside, Dubofsky and Hassenbein didn’t let the false alarm, or even a glitch in the extensive PowerPoint presentation they prepare for each meeting, interrupt them from relaying an important message of empathy and optimism.

“Essentially, the main idea of this group is to keep the memory of our heroes alive. …Our message is that you want to keep talking about them,” Hassenbein said.

Dubofsky and Hassenbein believe the teenagers who have come to the gatherings are finding empowerment in learning to process grief among a group of their peers. With their unique community taking shape, the girls hope to inspire the creation of similar groups beyond Long Island, where other young people can find solace and the tools they need to cope with their loss.

Said Hassenbein, “Our goal is to grieve and grow together as a group; that’s what we came here to do.”

Charlie Dubofsky attends Jericho High School. An earlier version of this story incorrectly stated the name of her school.