Pass the potatoes and shove the politics? How to survive holidays in politically divided families

Linda Ann Sullivan said she grew up talking politics over dinner but said when it comes to the holidays this year, the topic has been scrapped. 

The Wading River resident described herself as a conservative and said her daughters share more progressive views. To keep their different ideologies from affecting their relationship, Sullivan, 71, has vowed to steer clear of any topic likely to ignite strong sentiments amid holiday cheer.

"If we want to spend time together, we’re better off just talking about the grandchildren and their activities and our day-to-day things," she said.

Fresh off a polarizing presidential election, many Long Islanders face the conundrum of how to survive this Thanksgiving and other upcoming festivities without shouting matches or worse with loved ones whose political viewpoints clash with their own.

Experts like Jay Van Bavel, a psychology professor at New York University, offered tips for making it through meals and other engagements without friction, even if those touchy topics arise. The key, Van Bavel said, is to focus on shared American values, as well as expressing gratitude and setting some ground rules.

If some people are open to debating, the discussion should be held away from the table, experts said. Avoiding name calling and insults is critical to "meaningful" engagement, according to Leonie Huddy, a political science professor at Stony Brook University.  

Robert G. Alexander, an assistant professor in the New York Institute of Technology Department of Psychology and Counseling, also advised against fact-checking friends or relatives, which he said makes for an uncomfortable situation — especially with more people eschewing traditional sources of information. 

"You're generally unlikely to sway someone away from their values at Thanksgiving dinner. So you can save that conversation for another time and try to bring things back to a more neutral place," said Alexander, a cognitive neuroscientist.

Those engaged in lively debates with relatives should be on the lookout for signals rational conversations are turning ugly, like a racing heartbeat, dialogue getting louder and quicker and becoming more emotional, according to Mark Sirkin, a psychology professor and interim program director of the School of Health Professions at LIU Post.

These are all indications that the amygdala, the key part of the brain that regulates emotions, has taken over, he said. At that point, according to Sirkin, it's a good idea to take a break, leave the room and return when calm. 

"At the end of the day, you want to prioritize the relationship over the political point of view," he added.

The bottom line is politics doesn’t have to get in the way of relationships or cause people to skip events or socializing, especially if those kinships are valuable, according to experts like Huddy.

Healthy connections with family and close friends are important, according to U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, who last year issued an advisory describing an "epidemic" of loneliness and isolation as a public health concern in America. Loneliness and social isolation increase the risk of premature death, heart disease and stroke, along with conditions like anxiety and depression, the advisory said.

Cedarhurst resident Jacob Newman said recently in an interview outside a Carle Place bookstore that there's a diversity of political opinions in his family. He doesn't shy away from issues, often engaging in deep political discourse with one of his brothers.

"We grew up in a household with five boys, so all of my brothers, you know, we would fight with one another physically when we were young, and scream and yell and pound the snot out of one another," said Newman, 41. "I guess that kind of prepared us for the modern world."

Newman said that in years prior, they stopped inviting "poisonous" people to family gatherings. He said that after verbally duking it out, relatives turn to relishing the culinary spread and complaining about work and other practical issues. 

That politics has been fraying relationships with families around elections is evident in a survey this year that The Harris Poll conducted for the American Psychological Association. About 32% of people polled reported "strain" with relatives and were limiting time with family "because they don’t share the same values," according to the association. 

In 2020, a study from PLOS ONE, a nonprofit science journal, found politically diverse Thanksgiving dinners were 24 minutes shorter than others.

Some family situations might prove too toxic to tolerate, according to Stacy Pellettieri, the owner and clinical director of Long Island Counseling Services.

She said she is seeing political polarization driving more families apart and if "you're going to be harassed and bullied, that's when it is OK to sit out the holiday this year."

Alexander, the NYIT professor, said while it's not ideal, every year there are people who skip the holidays because of stress and combative exchanges. Alcohol, central to many holiday parties, only makes a sensitive situation worse, he said. 

"We all expect that holidays are going to be comfortable times for us to get closer to family, to relive family traditions and so on, but that's often for many of us, not the way that it plays out," Alexander said.

Swapping ideologies does have its benefits, according to Van Bavel. 

"There's some utility in having conversations with people you disagree with, simply, so they understand that people who disagree with them aren't demons," Van Bavel said.