'Irish Wish' review: Lindsay Lohan's bargain basement rom-com does its star no favors

WHAT IT’S ABOUT Long Island native Lindsay Lohan plays Maddie Kelly, the talented editor behind a bestselling author, Paul Kennedy (Alexander Vlahos). Everyone knows it’s Maddie who makes his romance novels sing, but she’s too in love with him to take credit. She dreams of Paul whisking her away to his family estate in Ireland — but when that day arrives, it’s because Maddie is a bridesmaid at his wedding to her best friend, Emma (Elizabeth Tan).

Crushed, Maddie plops herself into a curious stone chair and, at the urging of a mysterious lady in green (Dawn Bradfield), wishes aloud that she were Paul’s bride. Lo, it comes to pass! But what about James (Ed Speleers), the handsome fellow Maddie bumped into at baggage claim? Something tells us that Maddie is fated to discover a different pot of gold.

MY SAY Lohan’s second feature for Netflix repeats the formula of 2022’s “Falling for Christmas”: Take a once-sparkling star, put her in a rudimentary rom-com that doesn’t cost much, then sit back and hope for the best. As a short-term business model, that might make sense. In the long run, though, these movies run the risk of cheapening the Lohan brand.

“Irish Wish” is about as basic as a movie can get. The meet-cute between Maddie and James is a contrived argument over a suitcase (which could have been settled by glancing at the dangling luggage tag). James turns out to be a roving nature photographer — “a camera and a passport” kind of bloke — who of course gets hired to shoot the wedding. The events that throw them together aren’t exactly magical: After Maddie accidentally blacks Paul’s eye (so clumsy!) he’s in no shape for a series of pre-wedding photos, so Maddie and James must roam the romantic countryside alone.

Meanwhile, Paul and Emma keep getting thrown together as well, which brings up a deeper theme: Hasn’t Maddie’s wish robbed Emma of her rightful husband? Kirsten Hansen’s screenplay might have explored this further, but it’s too busy making room for some highly underwhelming slapstick. At one point, Maddie’s mother, played by the legendary Jane Seymour, trips over (yet another) suitcase. The slow motion doesn’t make it any funnier.

Director Janeen Damian focuses on Ireland’s landscape, but in the most obvious ways. Maddie’s special personal place turns out to be the Cliffs of Moher — possibly the country’s most-photographed piece of scenery. (“What were you doing in that tourist trap?” Paul grouses.) Meanwhile, James takes Maddie to an earthy pub where she learns to drink something the locals call “Guinness.” It’s amazing nobody serves her a bowl of Lucky Charms.

Once again, Lohan and Netflix seem to be dancing around the actress’ age. She’s 37 but keeps playing roles that feel like 20-somethings. In “Falling for Christmas” she was a pampered hotel heiress with echoes of Paris Hilton; here we first see her hanging out in cool Manhattan bars with boy-crazy gal pals. Instead of playing these weirdly ageless girl-women, Lohan ought to tackle a part with some life baked into it: a single mom, say, or a train wreck hurtling toward 40. Lohan can act: Why not let her?

Lohan’s deal with Netflix will continue with “Our Little Secret,” announced earlier this year. At this rate, though, Lohan will need the luck of the Irish to find a movie that will help her shine.

BOTTOM LINE A bargain-basement romcom that does its star no favors.

By Rafer Guzmán

rafer.guzman@newsday.com@raferguzman